A Wayne in a Manger

Author: Gervase Phinn

Publisher: Penguin UK

ISBN: 0141924748

Category: Humor

Page: 160

View: 2111


A Wayne in a Manger is the hilarious compilation of nativity stories by Gervase Phinn. Discover some wonderfully funny and touching nativity play anecdotes, including children forgetting their lines, ad-libbing, falling of the stage, picking their noses and showing their knickers. One brilliant anecdote tells of an innkeeper who generously says there's plenty of room for Mary and Joseph, while another child, jealous of Joseph's starring role, allows Mary to come in but not Joseph, who can 'push off' ... There's the baby Jesus who suddenly pipes up with 'My name is Tammy, are you my Mommy?' and funniest of all, Mary who tells Joseph, 'I'm having a baby - oh and it's not yours'. Gervase Phinn's A Wayne in a Manger is the perfect gift this Christmas. 'Gervase Phinn's memoirs have made him a hero in school staff-rooms' Daily Telegraph Gervase Phinn is an author and educator from Rotherham who, after teaching for fourteen years in a variety of schools, moved to North Yorkshire to be a school inspector. He has written autobiographies, novels, plays, collections of poetry and stories, as well as a number of books about education. He holds five fellowships, honorary doctorates from Hull, Leicester and Sheffield Hallam universities, and is a patron of a number of children's charities and organizations. He is married with four adult children. His books include The Other Side of the Dale, Over Hill and Dale, Head Over Heels in the Dales,The Heart of the Dales, Up and Down in the Dales and Trouble at the Little Village School.

A Lesson in Love

Author: Gervase Phinn

Publisher: Hachette UK

ISBN: 1444779362

Category: Fiction

Page: 416

View: 646


'[Gervase Phinn is] a worthy successor to James Herriott, and every bit as endearing.' - bestselling author Alan Titchmarsh Love is in the air in the little village of Barton-in-the-Dale. Anyone can see that Ashley Underwood and Emmet O'Malley are made for each other. They've just got to admit it to themselves . . . But as the saying goes, the course of true love never did run smooth. While romance blossoms on one side of the village, an angry young boy struggles to believe in love. But when tragedy strikes, he learns that comfort and care can come from the most unexpected of places. Meanwhile, head teacher Elisabeth Stirling faces a new challenge for the start of the school year. An eccentric teacher joins the staff, and there's also a worrying case of potential negligence to answer. In the village too, a puritanical new vicar stirs up trouble. But as always, mixed in with the drama there's plenty of gossip, laughter, friendship - and love - in Barton-in-the-Dale. Readers are loving A LESSON IN LOVE! 'When you pick up one of his books you don't want to put it down.' - 5 STARS 'A beautiful book.' - 5 STARS 'The best book ever.' - 5 STARS 'A charming, lovely book' - 5 STARS 'A great, colourful, packed-with-character read.' - 5 STARS

The Ants Are My Friends

Author: Martin Toseland

Publisher: Portico

ISBN: 1909396109

Category: Humor

Page: 176

View: 2661


Linguistic mistakes. We all make them. And if your name is George W Bush, you might make them more often than others. In 'The Ants are My Friends' (delightfully misheard from Bob Dylan's "Blowing in the Wind") Martin Toseland has collected the very best (and very worst) linguistic gifts of the gaffe. The catergories features include: Malapropisms (named after Mrs Malaprop in Sheridan's "The Rivals" where the wrong word pops out to bizarre results); Eggcorns (where a new word is created from misheard real one - the name comes from someone misunderstanding 'acorn' as 'eggcorn', as it has the same shape); Bushisms (the humour in which cannot be misunderestimated); and Mondegreens or misheard lyrics, which include such classic examples as: Who Ya Gonna Call, Gus Foster ("Ghostbusters" by Ray Parker Junior); Last Night I Dreamed of Some Bagels ("La Isla Bonita" by Madonna); Sparing His Life For His Mum's Sausages ("Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen); It's a Fruit, Fruit Samba ("Cruel Summer" by Bananarama); and, Mr Tangerine Man ("Mr Tambourine Man" by Bob Dylan).

Dim Wit

Author: Rosemarie Jarski

Publisher: Random House

ISBN: 140702468X

Category: Humor

Page: 576

View: 9982


'They misunderestimated me' George W. Bush Einstein said only two things are infinite - the universe and human stupidity. So in deference to the dumbing down of our culture, comes Dim Wit - a collection of the most jaw-droppingly stupid things ever said. The cast includes every famous foot-in-mouther from George W Bush to Prince Philip, Paris Hilton to Jade Goody, not to mention hundreds of unsung idiots plucked from villages the world over. The result is a confederacy of dunces more pro-fun than profound - a clever witticism may coax an inward smile but it takes a really stupid remark to deliver a belly laugh. So pick up Dim Wit and prepare to embrace your inner moron - it may be the smartest thing you do... 'My grandma overheard two women talking in a doctor's surgery. After a while, one said to the other, "Do you know, Mary, I don't feel too well. I think I'll go home."' - Robyn Jankel 'I don't think anyone should write his autobiography until after he's dead.' - Samuel Goldwyn 'Winston Churchill? Wasn't he the first black President of America? There's a statue of him near me - that's black.' - Danielle Lloyd

Mondegreens

Author: J. A. Wines

Publisher: Michael O'Mara Books

ISBN: 1843178451

Category: Humor

Page: 262

View: 1822


A mondegreen is a word or phrase which, when spoken or sung, is misheard as another word or phrase, often resulting in a hilarious outcome. Most people have heard of the famous mondegreen, 'send three-and-fourpence, we're going to a dance', the surprise request of a troop of soldiers who actually said, 'send reinforcements, we're going to advance'. The most common causes of confusion are song lyrics, as puzzled listeners struggle to work out why The Beatles were singing "The girl with colitis goes by" ('The girl with kaleidoscope eyes'), but mondegreens are not only found in songs and poetry, but also in everyday life. For example, the lady who rang the hospital asking for Sir Michael Spears, when, in fact, she was actually enquiring about cervical smears. "Mondegreens" is a side-splittingly funny collection of wonderful and absurd mishearings, put together in an elegant package that is certain to appeal to English language aficionados everywhere.

A Class Act

Author: Gervase Phinn

Publisher: Hachette UK

ISBN: 1473650690

Category: Fiction

Page: 400

View: 9647


The third and final novel in the delightful Top of the Dales series from bestselling author Gervase Phinn. 'A worthy successor to James Herriot, and every bit as endearing.' - Alan Titchmarsh Change is afoot in the usually sleepy village of Risingdale. Gerald Gaunt, headmaster of the primary school for over thirty years, is retiring. It is the end of an era and Gerald hopes that his replacement will work with him to secure a bright, happy future for the school. But Mr Smart has his own ideas about how things should be run, and things start to become fraught very quickly. On top of this, the teachers have plenty of other dramas to contend with. Still dealing with a class of children who seem to understand agriculture better than arithmetic, Tom Dwyer is pining over Janette, his one-that-got-away. Meanwhile, his colleague Joyce Tranter's new marital bliss is shattered by the arrival of her husband's avaricious, scheming nephew. And elsewhere in the village, Sir Hedley's long-cherished plans for his future are jeopardised by the arrival back in his life of his bitter, desperate ex-wife. Can the residents of Risingdale pull together and achieve happiness against the odds? With a lively cast of characters both old and new and countless laugh-out-loud moments, A Class Act is a warm, enchanting portrayal of life in a small Yorkshire village. Readers are loving the Top of the Dales series: 'Loved it. So easy to read, lovely story, unforgettable characters.' - 5 STARS 'Brilliant!' - 5 STARS 'Could not put the book down. Gervase Phinn is an expert story teller.' - 5 STARS 'Such a relaxing and calming read' - 5 STARS 'I have been waiting for this sequel and it didn't disappoint.' - 5 STARS

A Little Village School Collection

Author: Gervase Phinn

Publisher: Hachette UK

ISBN: 1473633257

Category: Fiction

Page: 1116

View: 5668


Three charming, funny and warm-hearted novels from the bestselling author of the Dales series. The Little Village School Elisabeth Devine causes quite a stir on her arrival in the village. No one can understand why the head of a big inner city school would want to come to sleepy little Barton-in-the-Dale, to a primary with more problems than school dinners. And that's not even counting the challenges the mysterious Elisabeth herself will face: a bitter former head teacher, a grumpy caretaker and a duplicitous chair of governors, to name but a few. Then there's the gossip. After all, a woman who would wear red shoes to an interview is obviously capable of anything . . . Trouble at the Little Village School Elisabeth Devine certainly rocked the boat when she arrived in Barton-in-the-Dale to take over as head teacher of the little primary school. Now it's a new term, and after winning over the wary locals, she can finally settle in to her role. Or so she thinks . . . The School Inspector Calls! Summer has arrived in Barton-in-the-Dale and as a new term begins at the little primary school, it's not just the warm weather that's getting people hot under the collar.

A Load of Old Tripe

Author: Gervase Phinn

Publisher: Penguin UK

ISBN: 0141930969

Category: Fiction

Page: 144

View: 9487


For eleven-year old James Joseph Johnson (or Jimmy for short) life is not always straightforward. In fact, things can be quite complicated, and don't always turn out as he'd planned . . . Born in 1946, Jimmy lives with his Mum and Dad in a shiny red brick terraced house in South Yorkshire near the steel works. Sometimes the air is thick and metallic tasting, with bits of soot floating around like little black snowflakes. Despite all this, Jimmy wouldn't want to live anywhere else. His very best friend, Ignatius Plunkett, is a scrawny boy with a sharp beak of a nose, ears like jug handles and a mop of jet black hair. Micky is his rather 'posh' friend from the big houses down the road. The boys get into a few scrapes in the year leading up to the eleven-plus exams, but will they come out on top in the end? Will Jimmy survive a week looking after Butch, the temperamental, barrel-bodied bull terrier? Will the truth about the trip to buy Dad's tripe ever come out? What really happens to Jimmy's Mum's coffee and walnut cake, and will the mystery of the missing locket ever get solved?

The School at the Top of the Dale

Author: Gervase Phinn

Publisher: Hachette UK

ISBN: 1473650585

Category: Fiction

Page: 416

View: 5052


'[Gervase Phinn is] a worthy successor to James Herriott, and every bit as endearing.' - bestselling author Alan Titchmarsh Newly qualified teacher Tom Dwyer has been given his first post in Risingdale, a sleepy little village at the very top of the Yorkshire Dales. Unsure if he'll ever fit into this close-knit community, Tom joins a motley staff at the village school. With pupils who know more about sheep than they do arithmetic, Tom has his work cut out for him. Add to that an altercation with the beautiful but stand-offish Miss Janette Fairborn and an argument with the local squire's son, and Tom's first term proves a baptism of fire. But Tom soon finds himself growing fond of Risingdale, and with a class of lively and demanding pupils, an end-of-term show to put on, and a jewellery thief at large, he will find himself at the centre of drama, secrets revealed, and plenty of love, laughter and new friendships. Full of colourful characters, and laugh-out-loud moments, The School at the Top of the Dale is a warm and humorous portrayal of life in a small Yorkshire village. Readers are loving TROUBLE AT THE LITTLE VILLAGE SCHOOL: 'Well written and highly entertaining - exactly what I hope for from this author. ' - 5 STARS 'Another good read.' - 5 STARS 'A well written story about a small community full of interesting characters.' - 5 STARS 'Another gem.' - 5 STARS 'Again, a most enjoyable story. I cannot put the book down.' - 5 STARS